A Push in the Right Direction
by Jwess
Summary: James has always claimed to love Lily. Lily has never believed him. What if all Lily needed was a push in the right direction? Would Lily and James find a way to support each other or would there relationship fall apart?
1. Chapter 1

**A Push in the Right Direction**

I press the cool ceramic bowl against my forehead and breath in. "Oh god." I feel another wave of nausea and lift my head to puke into the toilet. As I sit on the grimy bathroom floor all I can think is that there is that there is no way I still have the flu. After several minutes, I get up, flush the toilet and straighten out my skirt. My mouth tastes like bile. I slowly open the door and walk over to the sink. I turn the nob and feel the icy cold water on my already numb hands. I splash my face with the chilling water then attempt to rinse out my mouth.

This was the fourth day in a row I had been in this bathroom. I had always avoided this bathroom, the one with the leaky sink that only released freezing murky water, that had floors that looked like a house elf had never laid eyes on them and don't even get me started on the toilet. I had succeeded in staying clear of this bathroom since first year when Alice had first told me it was haunted. That was until this Monday, when overwhelming nausea had urged a detour from my usual path to double potions and I found myself cradling the grimy toilet and puking out bacon and eggs.

I had told myself that I must have caught the flue that all the first years seemed to have, and proceed to potions apologizing to Slughorn for my tardiness. Not that he minded. Today would be my fourth day late to potions and I had a feeling if I kept this up he would not be too happy.

I pull my long curly red hair into a ponytail and take a deep breath. "Just breath" I tell myself and leave the room that had become my personal puke bucket. I wrinkle my nose and know there will be a distinct vomit smell on me if I don't clean up. I take out my wand, point it at the room, and mutter, "scourgify". I turn on my heel and head toward the dungeons, quickening my pace when I realize how late it is.

I reach the door and turn the nob, trying to open it as quietly as I can, of course, it makes a loud creak and everyone looks at me. Well not everyone but Mr. Slughorn sure does. His smile is not as bright as usual, as he says "Lily how nice of you to join us", that earns a few snickers from the Slitherins. I mutter my apology and slide into my seat in the front row next to Alice. As soon as Slughorn goes back to telling us what we would be doing today, she slips me a note. I try to ignore the paper but Alice starts kicking me under the table.

With a sigh I pick up the note and read.

_Where were you? This is the third day you've been late. If you keep this up old sluggy is gonna have to find a new crush. _

I shoot Alice my evilest glare but all she does is slip me another note.

_Seriously though, are you okay? This isn't like you?_

When I look at her again I noticed the concern in her eyes.

I sigh and realize I should probably tell her what's been going on. That is not going to be a fun conversation.

I rip part of my parchment off and quickly write her my response.

_I'm fine. But I need to talk to you. Tonight. _

I give it to her and watch as her face scrunches up. I can tell she is trying to figure out what is going on. There is no way she will figure it out thought, after all she doesn't even know what started all this. But tonight, tonight I will tell her everything and we will figure it out together. I can't help my eyes from wandering to the back of the room. It's like I am drawn to his unruly hair and crooked smile. I will never get away from that night. He's laughing at something Sirius said and clearly not paying attention to Slughorn. Speaking of which, "Lily?" oh shit, he asked me a question. "Sorry professor could you repeat that?" he frowns at me. Slughord actually frowned at me. I really need to start paying attention. "I said what is the first sign if you make the potion incorrectly? " Oh shit. I don't even know what potion he's talking about. "Well, the first sign would be its texture, that always gives it away if the potion is off." Satisfied with my answer he turns away from me and continues talking. I finally begin paying attention and writing notes.

The class passes quickly and my potion is satisfactory although I still need to make up my lateness somehow. After class I walk part of the way to defense against the dark arts with Alice, thinking about how to get back on Slughorn's good side before realizing I left my books in potions. With an exasperated sigh I tell Alice I will meet her at defense and run back to the classroom to get my books. I grab the books up and just as I am leaving I run right into someone. With a thud, I drop my books and quickly scramble to grab them "Shit, I'm late" I grumble and finally look at the person I ran into.

"Sorry, I didn't see you coming" he said while I stared at him. "Right, yeah, sorry, I'm late, I mean I just, yeah, thanks" I heard the words coming out of my mouth without really processing them. "I need to go." I literally ran away from him. That seems to be a pattern with me. I always run away from James Potter. Well, almost always.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

James Potter. James. Potter. What the fuck was I thinking. James Fucking Potter. I arrived late to defense and noticed James didn't even bother to come to class. Not like he needed to. He's bloody brilliant. Idiot.

The day had gone by way too fast and I knew I would have to face Alice soon. I had been planning to skip dinner again but Alice would not have that. "You had better get you arse to the dinning hall right now or I am telling Madam Louise you aren't eating. With a glare, I put down my homework and get up. She sticks out her tongue at me and links her arm with mine. Some best friend she is.

As soon as we enter the dinning hall, my eyes fall on him. He is sitting with his stupid friends laughing about stupid things looking sexy- I mean stupid while he runs his stupid hand through his stupid hair. Stupid hair. He looks at me and I quickly turn toward Alice as we grab a seat by Frank.

Alice and Frank had been friends since third year when he accidentally spilled his pumpkin juice on her. After he profusely apologized and dried her shirt with a spell Alice insisted on sitting next to him and Alice decided he was funny. Don't get me wrong I like Frank but I've always thought there was something more to their friendship. I mean he has got to be the clumsiest person in the world. He actually gave me a black eye once when he tripped over his own feet, but Alice has always defended him.

Alice quickly began a conversation with Frank, which in my opinion bordered on flirting however I was in no position to judge. My eyes flick over to James and I realize he's staring at me. "Shit" I mutter and look away, but my stomach is doing flips. God. Why did I ever get involved with him. It was that damn joke of his. Why did he have to be such a prat. I realize I am starving and start shoveling who knows what into my mouth.

Finally after Alice had said her lengthy goodbyes with Frank we make our way back to the tower. "So, are you going to tell me what was going on this morning or what?" Alice says as we enter our dorm. We are lucky no one else is there but most of the girls like to hang out in the common room after dinner. "Yeah" I say looking down. "So?" she says sitting down on her bed. "So, well, I threw up" I say not looking at her. "You threw up? Are you okay? Are you sick? Why didn't you say anything? I can take you to Madam Louise if you want?" she says looking concerned and a bit confused. "I think… I think, well that's what I've been doing every morning. Since Monday." My pillow has never looked so interesting. "You what? Lily? Have you, I mean no, you-you haven't had sex? Lily?" still fascinated by my pillow I respond "Well I mean maybe once, kinda." "Maybe once, kinda? Lily what do you mean, are you pregnant?" she says, shock evident on her voice.

I throw my pillow across the room and look at her. "I think" deep breath "I think maybe I am."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

As I stare at Alice trying to figure out what to say all I can think about is that night.

~~~Flashback~~~

"_I hate you so much, why don't you just leave? We don't want you here. Just leave. Go back to your freaks!" A sob escapes my mouth as I stare at the girl I once called my sister. I don't recognize her anymore, all I see is hate and fear, so much fear. Am I a monster? I don't think so. But she does. _

_She doesn't love me. _

_I run from the house as fast as I can, not stopping for my shoes or jacket. The rain is pounding on my face and I can feel the mud between my toes. I hear a strangled cry and realize it came from me. All I can think about is her face and the hate she held for me. _

_I don't know how long I'm running for but finally I stop. I look around and see an empty playground. I don't recognize where I am so I go to sit on a swing. My face is a mess of rain, tears, and snot but I don't care. I hate how she can make me feel like this, even after all these years. I cry for several more minuets before I realize I am not alone. There is someone sitting on the swing next to me. _

_I look over and see Him. Potter. What is he doing here? "Wha-what are y-you do-ing hear" I say my voice thick. _

_He looks nervously at me and responds, "I live near here. Are you okay?" _

_I look away from him, am I okay? "no."_

"_Can I- is there anything I can do? I mean, look, why don't you come to my house, there's no one there and it's raining. I promise I won't bother you." He looks genuinely concerned. _

_Really it's raining? I hadn't noticed. Ugh, I was actually kind of freezing and I have no idea how to get home. Shit, I don't even have my wand. "Um okay, but just for a little."_

_He gets up and walks over to me putting out his hand to help me up. I take it and he doesn't let go the whole way to his house. It's nice, someone caring. _

_Finally we arrive at an insanely huge house. Petunia would probably fall all over Potter if she saw this; she always went after rich guys. I shake my head, Petunia isn't here, if she was she'd probably be too preoccupied hating me to even notice the house. _

_He takes me up to what I assume is his room. It's big with navy blue walls with painted quiditch balls racing around on them. I put my hand on the wall just as one ball flies by, it looks so realistic. "Do you uh, want some dry clothes?" he asks uncertainly. _

_I look down at my soaking muddy dress and nod my head "please."_

_He rummages through his big wooden draws and hands me a t-shirt and some shorts. "it's the only thing that'll come close to fitting" he apologizes. _

_I look at him, realizing for the first time that he really is rather attractive. His dark wet hair is messed up and in his face and his wet shirt clings to his biceps. It suddenly hits me; maybe he does care about me. _

_Maybe he is the only person who cares about me._

_As I realize this I make a decision. I need this. I need him to care. So, without hesitating I remove my dress and slip off my panties._

_He gazes at me open mouthed. "Are you- I mean, do you want to- you know?" He asks with wonder. I nod my head and pull off his shirt. _

~~~End Flashback~~~

After I finish telling Alice a much less detailed version of this story I look at her, only to see a glint in her eye. "I always knew you two would be perfect together" she claims with a knowing look. "Wait. Then what happened? I mean you never said anything and I mean you two aren't still together are you?" she looks at me expectantly.

"Um well no, it uh didn't work out." I reply not looking at her.

~~~Flashback~~~

_My eyes open despite my best effort to keep them closed. I see dark blue walls and my brain doesn't register where I am right away. Then I see a golden blur rush past against the way and the events of last night all rush back to me. _

_Last night. _

_I roll over with a sigh, expecting to see James still sleeping so I could sneak out and deny it all later. Or maybe lying there gloating. But the bed is empty. I sit up and look around, he isn't here. Maybe he didn't want to be around when I woke up, I think, embarrassed. Slowly I gather the blankets around me and find the clothes James had given me the night before in a neat pile where I had left them. I walk past them and grab the dirty dress I had worn the day before, it isn't wet anymore but it is cold. I slip it on, some of the dry dirt falls onto the ground. I glance at myself in the mirror and am shocked. I look filthy. My hair is a mess, going out in every direction and I can see dirt and scratches on my arms. The mascara I had worn the day before is now a dark ring around my eyes with streaks down my cheeks. _

"_No wonder he left." I say not even realizing I said it out loud. How could anyone love me when I look like this? Petunia is right. _

_I grab a quill and parchment he left on his desk and write him a brief note. _

Potter,

Sorry about last night, it won't happen again. Please do not speak of it to

anyone.

Kind regards,

Lily Evans

_I dropped the note on him bed and hurried from the room. I got a little lost on the way out, but I found my way without bumping into anyone and walked quickly home, trying not to think about what had just happened. Even another encounter with Petunia would be better than thinking right now. _

~~~End Flashback~~~

"It just didn't work…" I repeat to Alice, trying to ignore the pity in her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"Oh honey, it is going to be okay." Alice says and leans in for a big hug. Unfortunately, my hormones choose this moment to kick in and I start sobbing into her shirt. Some people can cry silently or even prettily, I however, am not one of those people, when I cry, I cry. As I sit on the bed sobbing into Alice's shoulder all I can think about is, what am I going to do?

"Alice", I say, pulling myself off her and hastily wiping my face, "I'm not sure I can do this… I think… I might not be able to have a baby", I tell her then continue sobbing into her shoulder.

"Oh Lily, it is going to be okay." That is what I love about Alice, she didn't overwhelm or tell me that this is my responsibility, she is simply there for me. Always.

Finally I pull away and sit up, "what should I do?" I ask looking up at her.

"I don't know what you should do Lil, but I know what ever you end up doing will be the best decision you can make." I look into her eyes and know she truly believes what she says. "But Lily, I highly recommend not doing anything right away, you have time, think about your decision, and think about telling James." I look up at her, surprised, "why would I tell him, I mean if I don't keep it what would be the point? Not that he would care, or what if I keep it and he hates me even more because of it?"

"Lily, I don't believe that boy could ever hate you, and I am sure he wouldn't have left you last summer without a good reason. Talk to him." I hesitate thinking over her words carefully.

"I don't know… I mean he probably doesn't want anything to do with me or… it." I say hesitantly.

"I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt, it is his child too after all, but you don't have to decide anything right away." She says clearly trying to be a supportive as she can. As I gaze into her clear blue eyes, I have to wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing person as my best friend.

"And then Sirius was like, hey cutie, oh, hi Alice, hi Lily, you will never believe who asked me to hogsmead this weekend" Penelope says breaking our conversation as she bursts into the room obliviously. "Oh and can you believe James Potter is going with Madison, I mean really she is just such a skank, I swear I heard she has done it with every member of the hufflepuff quidditch team. Oh sorry was I interrupting something?" she gushes before turning back to her best friend Stacey.

"Lily, just because he is going to hogsmead doesn't mean anything, think about what I said" Alice says in hushed tones.

"I-I will Al, I just need time", I whisper back to her. "Okay, well I am going to the library to study, see ya later" I say to the dorm at large and quickly retreat before Alice can respond.

As I walk through the portrait and down the hall I am completely immersed in my thoughts, I can't seem to keep the image of James and skanky Madison out of my head and I gently rub my still normal sized stomach. Why would he go out with her? I mean I know he sees a lot of girls and usually it's nothing serious, still I feel a pang of jealousy, we still hadn't really spoken since that night.

Absorbed in my thoughts I don't really notice where I am going until I realize I am lost, I look around not able to recognize anything until I realize I am in the dungeons, "Stupid moving stair case." I say out loud in frustration. I try to retrace my steps but only end up even more lost.

"You heard me, he said he wanted it tonight." I hear someone say in a menacing voice.

"But, I don't have it right now, I just-"

"I do not want any excuses, now, he will not be as understanding as I have been, you can not put it off any longer" I suddenly recognize that voice.

"Sev" I say stepping into the hallway. He immediately lets go of the fifth year he was holding and steps back.

"Lily? I-I was just helping him with an assignment, what are you doing here? Were you looking for me?" He says hopefully, stepping towards me.

"No, I was just leaving actually" I say trying to sound as firm as I can, he had hurt me too many times and I had vowed never to be friends with him again.

"Look, Lily I am really sorry, and hey you are going the wrong direction, are you lost? I can show you how to get out of here." He says eagerly. With a sigh, I turn around.

"Fine, but look, I am in a rush so be quick okay?"

We walk through the dim hallways and I make sure not to walk too close to Severus.

"Lily, I'm really sorry… about everything. Couldn't we just be friends again?" he looks at me honestly.

"Oh Sev, I really can't be friends with you… maybe someday if- but no we can't just be friends again." I say gently. I can see the hurt clear on his face but I can't help how I feel. I can't let him treat me like he did.

"Okay, well maybe we could be acquaintances? Who sometimes talk?" He says hopefully.

"Maybe" I say and retreat into my thoughts making it clear the conversation is over. We walk in silence for a little longer until we are back at the stairs.

"I think I can find my way from here, thanks", I say uncomfortably.

"It's no problem, if you ever need anything you know where I am." He says to me.

I walk up the stairs and try to concentrate on where I am going so I don't get lost again. I know I should be thinking about what I should do but keep trying to block out those thoughts and concentrate on schoolwork. Finally, I arrive at the library and walk in. I am immediately hit by the welcoming smell of musty old book and find a smile on my face. I feel the tension leave my shoulders and I walk down one of the book aisle running my fingertips along the book spines.

With a sign I settle down at one of the secluded tables and take out my papers from my bag. I decide to do my potions essay first because I want to make up my lateness to Slughorn by writing a fantastic paper. I settle into my chair and immerse myself in my work, pushing all other thoughts out of my head.

"Oh my merlin, he actually asked you out? Mads that is amazing, he is so romantic. I heard he is totally over Evans too, he hasn't asked her out once this year, I don't know what he saw in her, she's such a nerd." I hear the high pitched whiny voice of Madison's best friend Lulu. "I know, and I think he is totally looking for a real girlfriend, finally. Can't you just imaging it Mrs. Madison Potter" Madison says with a giggle.

Of course, as soon as I actually start getting some work done they have to distract me. I can't help feeling hurt by her words though. I try to ignore their gossip and concentrate on my paper but I can't.

"And did you see Potter at practice? Merlin, those arms, I am so jealous." Says Lulu.

I put down my quill and turn towards them.

"Excuses me Lulu, Madison, would you too mind keeping it down? Thank you." I say as politely as I can.

"Jeez, what is her problem" Madison says in a not so quiet voice.

Realizing I will not be getting any more work done here, I get up and put my stuff back in my bag. I leave the library to the sound of Lulu's high-pitched giggle.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

I open my eyes and smile. I had a wonderful dream. I roll over and see what time it is.

"Shit", I say realizing how late it is, I look around and see that the dorm is empty.

"Shit, shit, shit", I say pulling on my clothes, why didn't Alice wake me up? Then I realize it is Saturday. I sink back into bed. I wonder why I am the only one who slept in today? "Oh right", I think, it's the first quididtch game of the season. I moan and roll back under the covers. I know as a prefect I should probably be there but I can bring myself to sitting in the stands watching him for hours. After a few minutes of fighting with myself I push off my covers and stumble into the bathroom. I am immediately hit by a wave of nausea and puke into the toilet. I wrinkle my nose at the vile smell and turn the shower on hot. I strip off my cloths throwing them in the hamper and climb into the now steaming showing. I wince as the burning liquid touches my skin; then, I relax into it, letting the hot pulsing water massage the knots out of my shoulders. I turn off the tap and do a quick drying spell before slipping on some clean casual cloths. My white blouse stretches a little over my breasts and I wonder if they have grown. No, I'm probably just bloated from all of the throwing up.

Just as I am staring to walk out the door I realize Lulu and Madison will definitely be there. I fight with the urge to simply stay in my room and make my way as quickly as I can, so that I don't change my mind, down to the quididtch pitch. As soon as I open the door and step outside the roar of the crowd assaults my ears. I make my way more slowly to the Gryffindor stands and climb to my usual place with Alice. She is standing their clutching Franks hand and cheering with the rest of Gryffindor, I think we just scored a point or something. As soon as she see me she releases Franks hand and ushers me over to her. I stand next to her and she leans in to me, trying to speak above the noise.

"I wasn't sure if you were coming today so I decided to let you sleep." She shouts at me.

"That's fine" I say smiling at her "But I figured I shouldn't miss the whole game" I tell her.

She nods and turns back to the game taking Franks hand again. I finally look out at the game. The first player I see is Sirius, he is close to the crowd, showing off again. Big surprise. Then my eyes wander and I see a further away player that has to be James. He is circling the arena from high above. I hate how my stomach flips every time I see him. Just as my eyes begin to wander again I notice he makes a sharp dive. My eyes are glued to his form as he swerves around the arena seemingly chasing something I can't see. He makes one more even sharper dive and comes up waving his fist, which appears to be holding a small golden snitch. I applaud, my ears ringing with the noises my fellow Gryffindors are making. Alice, Frank, and I make our way though the mobs of people, down the steps and onto the field. As I turn around the corner I come face to face with James.

"Hey Evans" He yells happily.

"Good game, Potter" I yell back, hesitantly moving towards him. Just as he begins to walk towards me an enormous grin on his face, two perfectly manicured hands cove his eyes.

"Guess who?" shouts a high pitched girly voice.

"Hmmm I don't know… is it Sirius?" replies James jokingly. She realeses his face and steps in front of him.

"No silly, it's Madison" she relies good naturedly. I turn and begin to walk away as quickly as I can and ignore the one shout of "Evans" I hear from that direction. I quickly find Alice and melt into the crowd hoping to grab lunch and get back to my dorm before the team arrives.

Once we reach the dining hall, I scarf down everything I see. I hadn't realized how famished I was after skipping breakfast.

"Hey Alice do you want to go to the party or do you have too much work?" says Frank. Alice's eyes shift towards me and she gives me an apologetic shrug, before responding that they are definitely going. I roll my eyes at her in annoyance, I had never been one for post game Gryffindor parties and Alice used to feel the same way, before Frank. After a few minutes of me scarfing down food and ignoring Alice and Franks banter, I realize Alice is talking to Lulu.

"Seriously Al, I just think that this party is going to be the best, it is our first as sixth years and it will be Madison and James's first as a couple." Says Lulu and her ridiculously girly voice. My eyes shoot over when I hear the part about James. She must be lying. James doesn't have actual girlfriends, not really, I mean he dates and hooks up but nothing official.

"Can you believe how he asked her, it was so romantic. I can't believe he gave her his watch and asked her to be his girlfriend. I think this is it, I think he is the one for her", She gushes on. My heart seems to freeze.

"Oh Lily, you'll be there right? I mean you have to Madison is your roommate, I hear he's already written a toast to her. Merlin, it is just too romantic." She says before flouncing away.

"God, I hate her" I whisper conspiratorially to Alice, hoping to elicit at least a giggle.

"She right you know, everyone will think it is weird if you go, I mean Madison is your roommate and t sounds like the party is as much about her as the game it'll look weird if you aren't there, people might think you're jealous or something." She says matter-of-factly. I scowl at her and turn back towards my plate.

Just them I notice James walk in, arm wrapped around the practically glowing Madison. I feel a burning in my chest that I refuse to admit feels an awful lot like the jealousy Alice had been talking about.

As soon as they reach their seats, only a few people away, I scramble out of there as quickly as I can. I don't stop until I reach the security of my room and I immediately flop onto my bed. My hand subconsciously falls on my stomach and I groan at the thought. I burry my face in my pillow and scream. All I can think about is Madison's smug face.

Finally I get up determination contorting my features. I realize what I have to do. I have to show her up at the party, I have to look a million times prettier than her, just so I can see her face… and maybe his too.


End file.
